What do we want?

Sometimes I think about how much "easier" my life could be if I didn't have to worry about this mans three children. How, I have no strings attached yet. Do I want strings attached? Do I want to have a big family or do I want a small family? Do I want to help or do I want to be selfish? Do I want to "make it work" and have him "make it work" for another, when neither of us really get what we want? Is that what I'm doing? Or are we or will we be genuinely happy? Right now... I feel half happy. I'm happy that I have a wonderful shelter and most of things I want, and a loving boyfriend. The part of me that is not happy is all the worrying I do regarding three teenagers. Sometimes I imagine them not being in my life, when clearly they always will be as long as I'm with their father. I also imagine him passing first, and me never hearing from them again. I wouldn't want that either. So what do I want? 

Someone who is as smart / kind / outgoing as the boyfriend I have now. 

Someone who speaks Spanish, like the boyfriend I have now. 

Someone who has no kids and wants one.

Someone who has a degree and a car and maybe a house, which he has. 

So that's my problem right?

There's one thing that he doesn't have and that's what I'm fixated on. 

But it's hard not to be when your life is engulfed in this 24/7.

Hm.