I can’t sleep. All I can think about is a rape that happened to me 5 years ago. And I’m finally about to write about it. I was 18 years old, and I had decided I wanted to try to strip at a strip club... yeah great idea... eye roll. It was literally the first month I had turned 18, it was like I was waiting for the opportunity. I went out and I bought a $50 pair of 6” heels, and grabbed a stupid bathing suit they said I could wear... I answered an ad on Craigslist, which was what I and my boyfriend at the time were notorious for doing. It was in Pontiac, or Dearborn... I can never distinguish the two for some reason. When I got there the hiring manager had me try to dance on a side pole... I don’t think I could have been any good. But he told me to stick around, I would be put in the rotation and to just “ask the girls” what prices were for the back room. I had no idea that all the money to be made was going on back there... and I had no idea what I was doing.
My first dance... and the strap of my shoe breaks, but I keep treading on and get really empowered being naked on a stage with the entire room watching me. Then after I get off stage, a gentleman approaches me and asks to take me in the back. I agree, he gives me a low ball price and I said okay, but there was no dancing. Just me sucking him off.... bareback ew! I have no idea why I even went with it.. I guess I thought it was normal and everyone else was doing it... which I think they were. I go out, and I notice a sign on the wall this much price for this many songs. And I thought, hey I should’ve got more. So I asked the bouncer naively “Hey, do they give you any money?” They started freaking out asking him. I said “oh it’s okay, it’s okay!” I thought to myself “I’m just a fucking moron.. and I don’t want to be here anymore.” I go to the vending machine and buy a pack of cigarettes... I don’t smoke, but I did that night. I remember the god-awful picture I took in the mirror of me smoking with nothing on but a bathing suit and a broken heel.
Next, the DJ called me over. He said I had missed my 2nd call and I now owe $60. I go back up with my broken shoe again and tried. After I got off stage a group of guys.. I want to say they were middle eastern.. maybe Chaldean or something.. start talking to me. They really boosted me up, they said I was smoking hot and they saw me when they walked in. I told them it was my first night there. They offered to pay me a great deal if I left with them to their hotel room... I told them I’ve only had sex with my BF and I don’t do that. But I’d be willing to give them head for that price. They agreed. As I went to leave the bouncer tells me I’m not allowed to leave unless I pay out more than I had. AFTER paying everyone else out.. which ended up being over $200. I had less then $50 left in my pocket, so going with those guys seemed like a good idea... especially after they had offered to pay for my way out.
They were smart. I had thought about getting in my car and taking off, but they made sure the biggest guy got in my car with me and had me follow them. When we pulled up to a dingy motel, I soon realized they hadn’t even had a room yet and I was stuck standing right next to them. As we went up the stairs, looking back now I wish I would’ve claimed I left something in my car and ran out, but instead I followed - hoping to get the money they promised me for little work.
When the door closed everyone’s clothes were off and there were 4 of them and 1 of me. Everyone was giving or receiving oral, and the next thing I knew someone was inside of me. I started crying and I said “No Please, I didn’t want to do this.” But 1 in particular made sure to keep going until he was done, then he handed me off to another, and another. I didn’t stop crying. When the last guy, the one who rode in my car, was on top of me and saw my tears he asked me what was wrong. I said “I didn’t want to do this. I had saved myself for my bf.” he finally climbed off with sympathy in his eyes. He made it clear to the others it was time to let me go.
They gave me weed, and the money they had promised. But they took my self-worth, my dignity, and my sanity. I left and cried the whole long ride home alone. When I got to my apartment, I crawled in bed with my boyfriend, fell asleep, and told him the next morning all the money was from the strip club but I was never going back.
I never went to officials because I thought it was all my fault. I thought “I’m stupid enough to get in that situation - I deserved it.” I never told my boyfriend because I thought “I want to at least come home with X amount of money for stripping, besides it would break his heart.”
It’s taken me 5 years to accept that this was in fact a rape.
Believe sexual assault victims.
I can’t sleep tonight because of this incident from 5 years ago.
I can’t sleep tonight.
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